The scientific merit of a Albert T. Gore global warming panic
The authencity of a John Kerry medal for herosim
The honesty of a B. J. Clinton congressional testimony
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pisterreports
(preserving the legal wiggle room of a b-b in a boxcar)
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Ineptocracy (in-ept-oc-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the latter (members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed) are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers
The Pullitzer Prize
John was in the chicken business. He had over a hundred young hens, called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next time around....you can't always hear the bell.
The Goodbye Gift
Pister had felt that one the waning days of the relationship , a gift would well be in order. While there are many ideas that come to mind, such as a poka-dot tie or a pair of green socks, these gifts were not at all what Pister had in mind. He had learned long ago that the flexibility of cash has more value to the reciever.
He walked into the genral's office. He stood there a long time debating if he was doing the right thing. the general, as was his custom, merely stared at Pister.
Pister opened up his wallet and scanned through its contents until he had located the appropiate bill. As his fingers tightened around the bill, he noticed a tenseness about the throat. He placed the bill on the general's desk.He looked at it a long time. Then he decided that was not enough. He grabbed another bill and placed it carefully alongside of the previous bill.
He said "General, I just wanted you to have something that would make life a mere bit easier. I hope these funds will lighten your load and help you along the way"
Then , overcome with emotion, Pister headed for the door.
He could tell already that his wallet felt a lot lighter. Wiping a tear from his eye, he knew he had to gain control. He could make up the cash somehow. He still had sixty cents in his pocket.
No, he would save that for a latter day.
THE APOLOGY
Geronimo felt he had a strong case against Lady Shelley .Professor Pister who had practiced law listened to the merits of the case.
Pister Lady Shelley has acted in a caustic manner and has made comments that were insensitive to the opinions of my advisor. and defamatory to his reputation
My advisor has two years of medical study in a junior college ..with an overall 2.3 grade point average ......I might add ...and this man has considerable experience in the matters of which he speaks. He had stated that smoking is good for the person and the medical benefits of reducing the stress upon a person are not to be disdained. .
"Pister ...with all of his academic performance and his experience in life in general , he is well qualified to speak on matters of health and his opinion cannot be ignored.
"Pister don't you think that Lady Shelley owes me and my client a formal apology ?"
"Yes, Lady Shelley may not be aware of the fact that each inhalation of the cigarette reduces the OTC content of the cells...that is the oxygen transport capacity. As this OTC level is reduced , the body senses a calm as the level of stress is lowered. Fluids are able to move through the body more easily as the level of stress is minimized., and the chances of blockage of these vital fluids is minimized. This lower level of anxiety means that the body will generate the lower level of stress hormornes and will thus incur a lesser number of associated complications.
The mind will function at a better capacity. "
Geronimo , I will put in a formal request that Lady Shelley forward her formal apology to my office in typewritten form... and further that this apology is signed before a certified notary.......and that she further will refrain from making derogatory remarks towards you and your client and the practice of smoking."
If she does not comply to our demands in a satifactory manner we may have to go to court.
Proposed Apology Letter
My dearest Geronimo,
In this topsy turvey world, we often lose sight of ourselves and say things that we can later regret. Too often we are apt to blurt out a poorly contructed thought or insinuate things in a wrongful or hurtful way .
In light of your position and that of your highly capable lawyer Pister, I would like to amend my statements of yesterday to say that perhaps I was wrong.
Please accpt this ...humble...this apo...I mean this atonement as a sincere retraction of my statements ...and I promise to refrain from abusive language ...again ...so here is my...apo...my apoll....I mean my apology ...
Lady Shelley
Habeus Corpus
The legal firm of Pister attornies inc. had to take this step. It was painful but certain legal inequties could not be ignored.
Pister walked into the courtroom. He was pleased to see Sir Mingo was the judge. As was the custom he walked over to the judge's bench and slipped Sir Mingo five dollars. As an afterthought he he pulled out two more dollars and added to the total. Pister knew that money talks.
He introduced the claim of his legal foundation, In the case before the courts of Docket # 110911 ...State of Texas Pister legal firm and client geronimo known as plantiff versus the defendant
Lady Shelley. The nature of the claim is a civil tort claiming libel against my client Geronimo and his distinguished investor .
Whereas: Lady Shelley has repeatedly made statements to the effect that my client's investor was lacking in medical knowledge and that he himself has made medically incorrect statements.
Whereas Lady Shelley, though offered numerous opportunities to correct these statements and was indeed requested to submit a formal apology in written form, she has adamantly refused to do so.
Whereas one small statement delivered to the Pister office could have cleared up this whole mess, this recanting of her position has not been forthcoming altough the Pister office has exercised patience in these regards. We have exercise patience and tolerance in this matter. Our most congenial efforts have been rebuked .
The legal firm of Pister inc. hereby enjoins the defendant , one Lady Shelley to make this recantation and to further refrain from making inflamatory comments towards my client.
We do hereby enter this writ of Habeus Corpus .
W-D 40
The Professor had pulled his limoseine into the designated parking area. As he was getting
out , he heard a slight rough sound to his door. He quickly pulled out his can of W-d 40. It was as simple as that . The door squeaked no more.
For a brief moment, he thought about taking this can up to office and sharing with the ladies. But he was overwhelmed by another thought.
"'Oh no !!! I'll not do that !!! I had offered to help. they had ridiculed my most generous offers to help them with their squeaky door. Let them suffer.
"I don't care if they come and beg me for this can of W-D 40. I will smugly remind them that they have had their opportunity.
Lady Shelley had thrown in a haughty laugh when Pister tried to show thenm a solution to the horrendous noises their bathroom door was making. Lady Missy had commented "Maybe we like squeaky doors...ha ha ..."
Well Pister would get the last laugh in this episode. He considered just hiding the can of W-D 40 where they would never find it.
the following is to be reprinted and returned to the pister legal foundation
Legal format for Ending Dispute
Dear Pister Legal firm :
We of the ladies association have come to realize that perhaps we have not acted in good faith.. in that we have made undue assumtions about the conditions of our door.
We have come to realize that we have been wrong. Recent reports indicate that the door itself is not in a state of disrepair.
Much of the confrontations surrounding the incident was based upon false information.
We hope that this sincere apology will close the matter and that there will be no need to conceal supplies of the W-D 40 .
I do feel confident that we as adults can work this out in agreeable and compatible fashion. .
The ladies assoication will further take steps to prevent this type of event from occurring again.
Please accept this humble apology.
Lady Shelley
(the above is to be cut , pasted and signed and returned to the pister legal foundatin offices promptly )
LEGAL NOTICE
LADY SHELLEY
ACTRESSES GUILD
11201 Rodeo Avenue
Hollywood CA 99201
Lady Shelley :
This is to serve legal notice that one Pister Pillow is covered by the Legal Shield .
The original letter that was forwarded to your office about the avaiability of certain commodities : namely the letter concerning the status of the coffee addititives is to be rescinded ( not to be confused with the term resended )
In conversations with our client, one Pister Pillow , he has indicated that you were refusing to allow him the opportunity to rescind the letter. You have acted in contravention to the legal procedures concerning such matters.
This writ will serve you notice that the previously mentioned letter is to be rescinded to the pister office immediately . . Any failure to take action on your part will be met by the legal advisors of Pister Movie Productions Inc .
Let's hope that we can resolve this matter in a perfectly civil and orderly fashion. We here at Legal Shield and Pister Movie Productions Inc await your response.Failure to respond in a timely fashion will result in a legal decision to put your office in default.
Further legal action will be justified and will ensue .
Sincerely...
Staff at Legal Shield
C/O Pister Movie Productions Inc
True Confession
The professor was in unfamilar territory but he proceeded anyhow. He walked down past the pews and went to the side half door near the front.
He was all alone.
He saw the small window with a dark curtain near the corner. Not being sure what to do ...he stepped forward...and he noticed a slight bit of movement behind the curtain....
"Father...I feel that I have..."
He was interrupted by the movement of the wicker basket towards him . A slender brown hand had slid the basket on the shelf on the half door. The curtain had barely parted for this to happen.
Pister reached into his pocket and found a dollar bill. He wadded this dollar bill up tightly into a small ball until it resembled a fairly large marble. He slung the wadded up dollar bill towards the collection plate. It careemed off the side and then rolled around until it rested towards the center of the basket.
"Father...I feel that I have..."
He was interrupted again as the same slender hand came out again and this time grabbed the basket and shook it more vigorously . Pister reached into his pocket and this time took out all of the bills he had. He couldn't be sure but he felt like from the thickness of the mass that it was upwards of ten dollars.. He swallowed hard. A tear had come to the corner of his eye. But he composed himself and then gathered the strength from within himself to continue. the money fell into the basket alonside the wadded up dollar bill.
He started again "Father ...I have been advised that I am to write more openly and honestly in my Pister reports. Lady Shelley has openly criticized me for not writing of the 'goodness of my heart." I have tried. I cannot break my writer's block. " I cannot think of anything really good to write about ".
"My son ..my son...I will wait. You think of something good.. Speak freely of .the first good thing that comes to mind..."
Pister thought a long time....He started to say something..."I feel that..."
He then paused....'I would like to add..."
"What I mean to say is......"
"Sometimes I feel as though ..."
Pister waited a long time trying to compose his thoughts .. He stood there in silence for several moments. then the feeling that no one was listening overwhelmed him . He was having difficulty putting the next sentence together.
.Then he heard the door in the far corner of the building...open on it's squeaky hinges with a terrible racket.... The sound reminded him of the horrific sounds of the hinges on the ladies rest room door... the tortured door remained .... un-oiled for years.......it's dry cylinders scraping on barren metal against accumilated rust...The sound was a high pitched shrieking noise.
Then the door slammed shut...loudly......
Then there was nothing but total silence.
He walked away. His head was bowed and there were no sounds except for the click of his heels against the hard wood floors of the building. He could not remember ever having felt so all alone in the world.
Breach of Contract
It is Times like these that try men's souls..It was this thought that was running through Pister's mind as he studied his daily agenda. He was pouring through tome after tome of legal documents looking for the proper context to handle the current crisis.
Lady Shelley was under contract , specifically to come to the Pister side of the admiinistration and do a few yells . When she did not show up , Pister had reminded her of the promise. "You said you would do it...Now why have you not done it ?/"
"Yeah yeah Pister. I have been busy. Some other time"
Pister knew she wouldn't do it. It was time for Pister to explore his other option. He would call the general back to do some yelling. He had threatened to do it earlier but no one had paid him any heed . Pister thought to himself "When the general actually shows up and starts yelling then...then they will realize I am serious"
The Peanut Bait
As Pister was explaing to Sir Jack about the peanut mess on the floor of his office "Sir Jack, it is not so much the peanuts making a mess on the floor, I can live with that...It is more of a matter of not being able to determine just who is doing it"
Then on inspiration he told Sir Jack about a TV episode he has watched the previous night. "In this scenario, the cops have set out a tempting car...Then they hide a few car lengths away and watch and see just who comes by to steal the car.
Bingo !!! The person is caught red handed. You know if it would work for a car...why can we not set up a peanut trap ?"
"Pister , I think you are onto something. We will set a lone peanut on the table. We will hide out in the hallway and let's see who goes for the bait. . Og course it would ot be taking the peanut. that was not the issue. what they wamted to see was who wold leave a mess on the floor.
As they watched, the pister door opened slowly and in walked Lady Shelley. She took the lone peanut.
Then when she cracked the peanut open, there were little bits and pieces of peanut flying all over the room.
Another case closed !! Sir Jack we now know who the peanut caper is ..."
