The scientific merit of a Albert T. Gore global warming panic
The legitimacy of an Obozo birth certificate
The authenticity of a John Kerry medal for heroism
pisterreports
(preserving the legal wiggle room of a b-b in a boxcar)
The Delicate Correspondence.
The officers of the administration had called a meeting to discuss the relative merits of a correspondence aimed at the president Le Shawn.
Pister had favored a low profile approach that would honor the president's time and avoid and unnecessary goading of the president in matters regarding the leads. He pleaded his case to the officers at the meeting.
He soon realized he was being trumped by the mathmatically data accumulated by Judge Nichols . Judge Nichols had pointed out the numbers of representatives...the corresponding needs of each representative and the pressing need to satisfy the varying needs of these representatives. He had each compartment broke down into its respective elements such as "A four percent increase in usage ...multiplied by an adjusted weighted average given to the numbers themselves of the various offices demands that we take action.
Judge Nichols then thundered at Pister
"Do your job Pister !! "
At this point Pister was almost ready to concede defeat but he still had an ace in the hole. He called upon one of the senior staff members , Sir Howard who held the vote to perhaps break the stalemate. If Sir Howard could be persuaded to listen to reason...perhaps the day could be saved.
Pister's hopes were soon dashed however. Sir Howard led in with the admonition "Pister I have consulted with Sir Brandon, who is a master of etiquette . He suggests that one doesn't just blunder into a naked assertion and demand a certain action from our president. Sir Brandon says we an always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
He suggests that you send this letter, open up with a few numbers to support your case...Judge Nichols can provide these.... from his vast statistical
data base....and then to show that you are keenly aware of the president's time, make sure you thank him feverishly for all of his considerations and then soothe him with the admonition that
"We know you will appreciate the fine efforts we will employ in this endeavor...and ...as a group...and I speak for all of us....we , one and all, want to warm heartedly extend a collective "Thank you" ..... in advance for this check we know you are going to write. "
Pister relented . With a heavy heart and trembling hands, he punched the 'send " button. on his already composed letter.
The response from the president was swift and forthright "
"Hey Pister ... just can it !!!!!! You'll get your check when you get it !!! Who is advising you anyhow ??
Just can it !!!!!
Death On The Highway
It was a dark and gloomy day for Joe Friday Pister as his fellow detective Columbo duck came by. Nothing the most honorable Columbo duck could say would cheer up the distraught professor.
"Here come with Horrible Columbia duck. Let me show you what I have found." As they went towards the highway near the Pister office, Pister pointed to a sight that sent cold shivers down their spine. There near the highway was a magnificent specimen. Pister had recognized the beaver as the same one that had befriended them when the were constructing a seawall near the great lake surrounding their premises. Pister was deeply moved emotionally .
"Poor guy. He was probably just trying to make it home. Maybe he had a morsel of food he was sharing with his young. Then someone ran over him.
"Let's take a closer look at the crime scene fellow detective. Notice the tread patterns here. Too narrow to be a Goodyear...probably a Firestone tread. And here ...look the tread patterns match up to a Tahoe "
Isn't that the same vehicle and tread patterns that Judge Nichols drives ??/
Then it dawned on them. the honorable Judge Nichols was rapidly becoming the prime suspect for this brutal hit and run.
They trudged back to the office. They somehow reached a silent but understood agreement that they would keep their findings under wraps until further review.
The Passing of an Era
It is one of those moments that make the life of an executive tough , but alas ,life has to be faced and one must go on . The executive Mack (the knife ) Kevins found that he was in the position to be forced to say good bye to an old friend.
Chief executive Kevins struggled to find words as he was in the office of Monsieur Brandy Bums. It was the final farewell.
"Mr Bums, you have been an extemporary role model for our young and striving but as of yet inexperienced young executives here. Your work habits have been impeccable. You have led by example. You are what we call a frontline soldier who has chosen to be in front of the troops and has chosen to lead, front this position and not not from behind. I would call you an Abe Lincoln of integrity and a George Washington of leadership. "
Your oratorical skills, as expressed to a leader from California , is a memorable one that we cannot forget . We will always remember what you have done here. it will be talked about and many have compared this speech to another Gettysburg address. The speech will be long remembered and few can forget what you have said here Your actions have hallowed our halls much more than anything we could say to add or detreact. "
Executive Kevins reflected upon the circumstances that had led to this event. When Brandy Bums had put on an exhibition at a soccer game demonstrating his considerable skill at tossing an object at some distance with a high degree of accuracy, he was immediately noticed by the talent scouts. What really impressed the scouts was the strength of his arm and the unerring accuracy where he could pin point or one might even say 'head point" his object at a hundred feet or more. He reminded the scouts of another Roget Staubach or maybe even a Joe Namath.
His fame spread overnight. He was immediately on television and the computers.
Brandy Bums was more than a talented athelete. He was also a community devotee, a philantrophist with a big heart. Often he could be seen on week-ends donating new furniture to his lesser fortunate neighbors. Some of this furniture was too huge to fit through his front door and he would be seen pushing it out the window from his third fllor apartment. . He was much loved and respected by these neighbors. who were the recipients of his generosity.
He was also a generous supporter of the arts where he could be seen donationg huge sums to help aspiring stage performers devlope their dancing talents. His generosity knew no limits.
The neighborhood association had felt so strongly about this display of unbridled generosity that they have a special award delivered in a sealed envelope. The award was of such magnitude that it was hand delivered by a man in a blue uniform. We could only speculate on what honors might be contained in the sealed envelope.
"Good bye... Mr Bums.....and we will surely miss you"
The executive then headed for the door, overcome with emotion.
The New Applicant
Chief executive Monsier Duck was looking over the resume' in front of him. As was customary for these interviews , he conversed with the applicant .He wished to get a better idea of the talents and long range career aspirations of the applicant.
'I see you have decided to stay in the sales industry. After your performance in the sports arena, I am surprised that you were not drafted. Is there something missing ?
"No they told me that they did indeed admire the strength of my arm My accuracy was never in question. I had told them basically where to shove the contract. I told them that my only concern at this point is for the safety and health of the afflicted player.
'Never did I give the slightest element of concern for my own safety.
I feel in a sense that I was framed. We call it photo shop or doctoring. I saw this incident at a soccer game and to my horror , the best soccer player on the field was beaned by a well aimed beer bottle.
Relying upon my medical experience, I knew if I could make it to the field, I could help the player with the well beaned head. I was headed, racing down the bleacher, throwing caution to the wind and then it was that the security stopped me.
The guards were not buying my story. They had a movie clip of some loud mouthed bald headed moron up in the bleachers throwing a bottle and the guards were trying to claim he looked a lot like me. As I looked at the clip, I did notice a similarity .
This whole incident started a downward spiral in my recent career. While I was gone, my landlord threw all of my furniture out the window. On top of this ugly mess of broken furniture at the bottom of the stairs was my lease.
Next came my car. it blew up on me. The motor threw about four rods at once.When I finallymanaged to grab a Dart bus and get to work, the security man at the bottom of the elevator checked my I. D , and then informed me that all of my crap was in a cardboard box in the corner by the guard shack. Could we please have your keys ??'
"When I had gone home...to my evicted apartment, the only home that I had really known, outside of sleeping in the bars, I was informed that my girlfriend had quit her pole dancing job and left me.
And your long range ambitions ..???
Like a steel ball hurtling throuugh a pinball machine, I have bounced from position to position , ever continuing my downward spiral 'til once again I find myself totally at the bottom of the machine ready to be launched again"
The Vegas Trip
Professor Pister had mentioned to the communications director Lady Shelley about the proposed trip to Las Vegas. It was a promotion designed by the leaders of the company to honor the most deserving personell of the administration.
Lady Shelley was beside herself with joy.
'Oh boy !! Oh boy !!! " I have always wanted to go to the fabulous Maj Taha. I want to play the machines.....O oh boy . what a trip ! I will get started packing right away !!":
Pister went to check on the list in his office . He then came back.
"There muyst be some mistake Lady Shelley> I have the guest list right here in my hands. I have read it both front and back and I do not see your name on the list ."
"I'll go double check "
When Pister had come back yet a third time with the bad news ,
Lady Shelley informed him "Pister , you are not on the list either ."
PIster just walked away. There must be some mistake.
The Apology
The speaker took the podium, balanced his weight on his feet and then began his dissertation .
" There is a proverb in the old testament that says "O never let the angry words from the tongue unbridled slip "
I would like to speak on the nature of words . Words have weight, they carry thoughts , they stir emotions. the spoken word is the most terrible of all. One cannot staple, delete, or erase the spoken word. Once they are let go...Once these spoken words are released they will go out into the world and find their mark .
Now comes reference to a collection of words that I might have used.
Nothing but the most honorable and the most compassionate and generous of human thoughts are allowed to accumulate. and assimilate in my mind Bad thoughts are like an unwelcome guest in these hallowed chambers . They are quickly dismissed.
Have I not been fair ? Have I not always uttered the truth ? Do not the most considerate and eloquent words of the human heart emminate from me "
From the courtroom came the collective voices of the audience.
"Yea, yea, this man speaks the truth "
If the combination of these words were somehow construed to be of a vicious nature, and whereas the full meaning was lost, then this becomes a most unfortunate situation.
Let's take this moment and move forward .
Shall we let Bygones be bygones .........I always say . "
In the back of the crowded room, he thought he heard someone murmur
"Amen "
It sounded a lot like Pister
but...it could have been Monsieur Duck..
He wasn't sure.......
